Let me begin by saying, well, scratch that. Let me go about things like this instead...
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- I've held two very very decent jobs that I liked for the most part. The first I allowed myself to be fired from because I thought I was doing something good for my children. The second I quit again because I thought I was doing something good for my children.
I've been there and know exactly what you mean. I've taken jobs that I've enjoyed, and I've left those same jobs because either there wasn't enough family time or too great a need for sitters. It's a bitch and a half trying to find a job that works around an abstract like family time... and it's even worse trying to explain the sacrifices we have to make to be away from the family in order for there to even be one. Oh sure, there's the "I can get a new job, but I can't get a new family"... but you really can't. I've missed out on, crap, over 12 years of the oldest boy's life because of jobs, but for some reason the one thing that is pointed out to me is "how would you know, you haven't been there." She's right, I haven't been.
So what's worse? Working crappy hours at crappy places to provide for the family you'll never see, or doing what one can while being able to join the family? I say that, because you did what you did for family, it can't be wrong. It sucks and it hurts, but it can't be wrong. To do it the other way would have sacrificed even more.
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- because they don't actually care whether I am here or not.
I bet they do, whether they admit it or not. Kids are kids, they act and live in the now... but all it takes is for one to say or do something, and it makes everything worth it.
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- You see as soon as I have the cash to do something nice for myself it ends up having to go to the children. I realize that yes the kids' needs do need to come first but dammit when do I get a turn?
The wife picked up some extra hours working for a friend (catering) so she could get new glasses; I don't see why, especially since we did a bankruptcy and now have no credit card or medical debt. But anyway, that's what she did. So what does she do with it? Pays for the oldest boy's traffic ticket. We save up money so she and I can go do something, and she then spends it to pay off the rest of his car and registration (we have gone out on a date five, maybe six time since being married. The other times we've gone out was either short-lived or with the kids because she 'felt guilty about leaving them home') She puts money aside so she can do something, then gives him $200 so he can buy $85 shoes and pants that don't fit (too short; apparently he won't wear big boy pants). He has a job, but she gives him money to go out, for gas, for food at work, for his dates... She also helps out her sister whenever she can; I swear we have less money now than when we had credit cards!
And I point this out to her whenever she starts to complain about us not having any money. What do I get in response? "This is how I am. I'm not going to change." Know what? Stop complaining about the lack of money then (what I think in response, but don't say). Know what I'm going to tell you? Stop complaining about it, and do it; how can you be there, fully, for your family if you don't take care of yourself first? Yeah kids need stuff, but they'll always need stuff... but there's a difference here: provide what they
need versus giving what they
want.
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- So next failure as a daughter. Well hell just ask my mother about that. Got married at 19 she was pissed. Got divorced at 21 she was pissed. Got pregnant the first time at 21 she was pissed. Got remarried at 23 she was pissed. Got pregnant with the second child she was pissed. Any job I've chosen to take hasn't made her happy or proud. NOTHING I DO FOR HER IS GOOD ENOUGH.
I'm not a daughter, so I can't really say much. Nor am I a mother. All I can say in regards to this is don't live her life, live your own. Live the life as you see fit, not as she or anyone else would want you to. Will it be easy? Hell no. Moms, or in my case mom-in-laws, tend to take things out on the grand kids. By telling your mom that you are living your own life, she'll more than likely want to stop seeing the kids or stop having them come over. But that's her loss, not yours. If the kids question why they aren't going to grandma's have them call her on the phone and have her explain it to them; she'll change.
Also, how can you life your life, how can you share a life with your family, if your worried about other people's reaction or thoughts? Your life isn't theirs; there's a reason why you are with the ones you have / want versus being at home... you wanted this / didn't want that.
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- Failure as a wife well HELLO this is my second marriage!
Me too! But between you and I, I think there are those here who may be a bit worse off than us...
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- failure as a friend. Hell I must be considering I got a text tonight because I wouldn't answer my phone stating "if you're pissed with me for something say it please." I frickin didn't realize that my wanting nothing to do with the human race tonight construed me as being pissed at this person. Hell if I'd known that then I'd just have to be frickin happy-go-lucky all the damn time! More reasons I'm a failure as a friend well shit I let the ex-husband drive away two very good friends that the relationship will never be repaired.
Don't you hate that? "Why are you so angry?" or "What's wrong?", stupid questions like that. Just because you aren't talking doesn't mean your pissed, just because you didn't respond to an email or a text doesn't mean your pissed. Way I see it, if your friend wanted to talk, she (or he, no need to assume it was a she) could have very easily CALLED; phones have voice mails, so there's no need to respond right away, and by verbalizing it, a person can better get the tone of the message. If anything, being asked "why are you angry" is what drives people over the edge into becoming angry! As far as the ex driving away friends, it's never too late to repair or rekindle relationships... test the waters, send a message or something, let them know you're still there; a lot of the time, that's all it takes.
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- Do I regret my life? Starting to. Do I wish for more? Most definitely. Will more ever come? NOPE. Why you ask? Well it comes down to time and money both of which I lack greatly. Between working stupid hours at my shitty job as a janitor and still trying to maintain a home and well the lack of funds because I am a janitor there is no money or time for me to better myself. That means no education which I always thought I'd have.
There are things I regret... sometimes I hate myself for some of those things. Other things I don't. There are things where I wonder about, if I had done things differently, and a few of those things piss me off the more I think about them, as there were a lot of missed opportunities. Things I've had to do to maintain peace, things I've had to do, or couldn't do, because of family. The amount of things I've had to deal with, the things I've had to deal with...
Sometimes, there comes a point where you have to do something so that you don't lose yourself. Yes, we have obligations to spouse and children and home and job... but without the sense of 'you', what do you have? Every day will anguish by, another piece of self gets torn away, and with everyone taking something from every possible angle, pretty soon there will be nothing left, and then what? You'll lose your family, you'll lose your friends, you'll lose your job, and with each loss, even more of you will be gone. Or you'll find yourself going deeper and deeper within, which might be even worse... but without the sense of 'you', you will have nothing.
...
With all this said, what I think is this: take some money, get your hair cut. In the grand scheme of things, a few bucks isn't going to change anything. Stop doing everything for the kids: they have to understand that you cannot do everything for them, that sometimes you have needs and wants of your own. Tell your mom that this is your life, that her comments and actions are making things worse for your life. DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOSE YOURSELF.
And, don't worry about your friend. Friends say things and do things which we may or may not like, but we do it right back at them in return. Funny thing is, with friends, we know that they are friends, that even if they don't understand they're willing to help. Friends, good friends, will always be there.
Now... have a drink, have a hug.
