Rekindling an old holiday

There was an incident once, in 1843, when Santa ran the risk of running late for Christmas deliveries due to there not being any endangered species list to protect magic reindeer. Afraid of missing the deadline, he whipped his Elves into a frenzy of toymaking wow, and got his orders done a month early! With only four magic reindeer, Santa decided the best way to deliver to all the good boys and girls was to utilize the markets. He set off at once, flying South as fast as he could, until he found found below the store he sought: Walmart. He lowered his sleigh and slowly entered the parking lot, being careful for signs and pedestrians. Though his nose was froze and his cheeks rosy from the high altitude November air, he knew it would be bad form to take a handicapped parking spot, so he continued down the aisles. Packed. Not even December yet, and just packed.

After circling the lot for twenty minutes, JOLLY Ole' Saint Nick is getting pretty stressed out and pissed off! Suddenly he sees an opening between two cars! He gasses up his reindeer, and rushes to turn into the spot, when Lo and behold, a bitch in a Cadillac Escalade is on the yellow lines, effectively taking up four spots all on her own! As she gets out of her precious SUV, chatting like a dumb twit on her cell phone, Santa rushes up to her.

"Excuse me, ma'am," Santa says. "Could I ask you to move your car so other people can make use of these parking spots?"

The bitch on her cell phone used her middle finger to tell our holiday hero what she thought of that idea, and that was the last straw. Santa pulled his bottle of lighter fluid and matches from the pocket of his big red coat and turned to the shiny Cadillac Escalade.

Just then, Bitchy Mcphonecall said into her cell, "Mmmmyes, I know. The dregs of society popping up around the holidays to ask for handouts! In fact, some rental Santa just asked me to move my car, like he's my equal or something!"

Santa squeezed the bottle, threw the match, and watched the Escalade burn. The holiday of ChrismArson* was born! Now every year, between November first and January first, any cars caught taking up more than one parking space needs to be cleansed with holy fire in loving memory of Dear Ole' Saint Nick! The spirit of Santa will see the flames and smile, knowing he can always find a place to park after the good girls and boys burn it all to the ground!

*ChrismArson is pronounced Kris-marzson...it's Dutch...

And just to help get the ball rolling this year:

Oh, and since that first ChrismArson, cars going the wrong way down one lane parking lot aisles have been included, especially if the driver gives you that look like you need to move the fuck over. Their cars definitely need some holiday cheer!

However we must keep in mind, the spirits of ChrismArson and Christmas contradict if any ChrismArson celebration might harm children, animals, or the elderly. Do your part and practice safe ChrismArson!